It's 5:30pm and I'm ready to call it a day/night, whatever.
My head, my legs, my hips, neck, back, everything hurts, as it dies every day. I will probably have no human contact again today as well. Just like many, many previous years.
Yesterday I had a cheese crisp.
Today a BLT.
Yesterday I learned what won't kill me, what might kill me, and many other things.
I learned that everything is not okay and it probably never will be and there's probably not much that can be done about that.
I am trying to learn not to over think things, or even try to understand them. I hope to get to a point where I can accept that what is, simply is, and allow that much to be enough if must be.
I am learning to take what is mine to take and not to beg for what should be given willingly, or lament some idea of what sorts of things might make me happy.
History has shown me that I am a poor judge of things that might make me happy. More often than not, I am better for not having received those things.
I have also learned that I am not any blessing in the long run. Perhaps in the short term, but stick with me long enough and will see your ruin. I only say this because I have seen it.
I am about the furthest thing I can imagine from being a good person, and my own choices and responses to my surroundings have only served to underscore that.
I am a means but not an end.
I am, and probably always will be an asshole. Anyone close to me can confirm it, if they are as honest with you as they have been to me.
I am at the root of all my problems.
No blame share, no apologies, no validity to my perspectives. They are simply manifestations of my own insecurities that I apparently project onto others.
Yesterday I took 120mg of Adderall.
It didn't kill me.
Ironically I took a fantastic nap shortly thereafter and things started seeming manageable perhaps more accurately endurable.
I suspect that nothing will change.
